Hey Obed, howzit boet.

My hat, it has been too long. Thank you for your emails, postcards and the lovely tea from Harrods (it must have cost a quid or two). I’ve tried to be teetotal, but, as you know, my Mauritian temperament renders me weak.

It’s not my fault, the Morningside madams sensing my bad mood rising, fling themselves upon me. Their spirits are buoyed by wine and they are breathless and beguiling.

The mixture of adoration and political indignation is arousing.It offers respite from all the nonsense back home.

You won’t believe the shenanigans here. I was tempted to write and say “come back Obed, all is forgiven”, but it is not all James’ fault.The comrades are revolting and the bad behavior is spreading like wildfire.

Students are looting and burning, Metro Police are bashing down the doors of City Hall and everybody is up in arms.You must love being SA High Commissioner in London.

Well done: you tied that one up nicely.

When I ran you out of City Hall I thought you were destined to languish in obscurity. More fool me. I’m still a tired old hack in eThekwini and you’re swanking London throwing back gin and tonics with Boris Johnson.

Why just the other day my German campaign manager was roused from his monosyllabic mutterings. He sat bolt upright over coffee, scaring the poor Egyptian fighter pilot witless.

“This is ridiculous,” he declared severely, but without elucidation.

“We must go for Obed, in London.”

Of course, the Egyptian schemer is up for any caper, but have no fear, I’m too busy showing Logie up on the cocktail circuit. And I’m incensed by the goings on at home.In case you missed it, our beloved president has gone from bad to worse.

After all the silly Nkandla denials JZ’s lawyer said Number One wants to pay back the money.Nkandla, he wisely confessed, had “traumatised” the nation.JZ threw his chums under the bus after they took sycophancy to giddy heights.

Obed, self-serving politics is one thing, but blind loyalty is another.

Gareth Van Onselen wrote a thought provoking column recently, saying South Africa was becoming an “idiocracy”.

JZ, bless him, says Africa’s the world’s biggest continent. Rural Development and Land Affairs Minister Gugile Nkwintini’s said the Great Wall of China was built in 10 months. Energy Minister Tina Joemat-Pettersson said in parliament: “When a cow gives birth to a fire, that cow will lick that fire. You know why? When a mother gives birth to a fire, she will lick that fire, because she gave birth to that fire. When a fire burns, it rains, and the earth gets wet. Fire burns, but when it rains, the earth gets wet.”

Seriously, Obed, that twit is a cabinet minister.

Van Onselen explained: “By idiocy we mean sheer, unadulterated nonsense… The ANC, under President Jacob Zuma, has been systematically stripped of any intellectual weight”.

Barney Mthombothi, reflecting on the student riots and the parliamentary shambles decried how the Assembly had become a place of shame.

It was meant to be the “repository of our long-cherished dreams and aspirations, the beacon of our achievement”.

Revolutionaries, he said, referring to the students, break things. What skill is there in that?

But Mthombothi said students might be forgiven for the exuberance of youth.

Our MPs, what’s their excuse?

They are there because they toe the line, not because they are our finest.

If MPs were accountable to a constituency “we would be spared the spectacle of parliamentarians shamelessly prostrating themselves to protect a corrupt president, for they will be mindful of the wrath of their constituents back home”.

Timeously, just after Van Onselen and Mthombothi penned their columns, Gwede Mantashe accused US Ambassador Patrick Gaspard of plotting a coup from the embassy.

Gaspard kept his sense of humour. On reading about his seditious scheming he tweeted: “I’m so disappointed, I always imagined that if I organized a coup it would look like Mardi Gras – with food, music & dance”.

I envy you, Obed. You’re probably settling down to egg and chips and a pint down at the local as you read this.

Linger in London, at least until JZ goes.

Quite how this lot is going to pan out is anyone’s guess. Dear old Pravin Gordhan seems to be squaring up to his boss, and though he has the nation behind him, he’s taking on the country’s top schemer and a phalanx of flunkeys tied up in a wicked web of patronage. God help us all.