Hey Obed, howzit.

I hope all is good at South Africa House, thousands of miles away from eThekwini, the heartland of our shameless president.

It must be good to down a pint at the local and forget about the troubles back home.

Although; Umshini Wami looks quite unperturbed for one who is the subject of such ridicule and national scorn.

I tell you, Obed, a lesser man would have crumbled under the pressure.

Imagine, all these veterans of the struggle coming out to dis you, ouch.

Ahmed Kathrada, Trevor Manuel, Cheryl Carolus, Thabo Mbeki, Siphiwe Nyanda…

The list goes on and the Guptas have scurried back home (with their carpet bags, as one hack so splendidly put it).

But our giggling, dancing president remains unbowed.

I suppose he’s propped up by the nonsense sprouted by his reluctant sidekick, Gwede who warned ANC members not to criticize Number One.

I understand that with the state capture by JZ’s cronies, everyone is a little jittery. It prompted African Women’s League president Bathabile Dlamini’s recent comments that ANC National Executive Committee members all have skeletons in their closets.

If only Zuma realized he is meant to serve the country and not his chums.

How embarrassing to be reminded of that by Thabo Mbeki.

But, I suppose you only have to look at the toadies to see why JZ feels invulnerable.

The ANC Youth League, ANC Women’s League and MK veterans give him succor.

Sycophants throw birthday parties for him and some spineless, supine editors implore us to “give the pres a break”.

Dim and uncritical thinkers infuriate me almost as much as brownnosers do. A combination of both is unbearable.

JZ and his politics of patronage are ruining this country.

They destroy our hopes of undoing the legacy of apartheid and freeing people from of poverty and ignorance.

Business Day ran an amazing story the other day about the cost of our bloated bureaucracy.

The story said with as the public service wage bill grew, South Africa’s hopes of providing adequate service delivery dimmed.

Facing a growing budget deficit (R288 billion) and huge unemployment the ANC led government merrily ratchets up the public service bill and expenditure on often unnecessary or plain useless ministers who are only there because of obeisance to Zuma. The report said the number of taxpayers it took to support one Member of Parliament jumped from 15 in 2009 to 19 in 2012.

It takes 21 taxpayers to support a king. It takes 57 taxpayers to pay the president’s salary, up from 42 people in 2009.

The party just can’t carry on, Obed. We need an elegant solution for South Africa.

Clearly JZ has to go, but he must be allowed, in the marvelously merciful tradition of the ANC, to muster whatever dignity he has left.  We should make it a national priority to come up with Umshini Wami’s Plan B.

It is no mean feat. The president, like many of his ilk, isn’t magnificently talented. His primary skills are singing and dancing.

But, I have a cunning plan.

I see the eThekwini municipality has extended its service mandate to recruiting models for its 2016 talent show.

How’s that! Not content to build roads, bridges, fix pavements and clean the streets, the council now has a Fashion Development Programme. Brilliant, and this is where JZ fits in. The city’s flirtation with the catwalk envisages a model search.

“Aspirant models are not required to have previous modeling experience or be represented by an agency and don’t require a portfolio of photographs.

A city press release says the models will be “professionally trained” to walk on the “runway”.

EThekwini Deputy Mayor Nomvuzo Shabalala said the council is proud to nurture young models and increase their prospects in the rag trade. Go Nomvuzo.

There’s a catch though (and I think this is rather discriminatory), models must be between the ages of 16 – 35 years and be at least 1.75m tall without heels and have hips no wider than 92cm. In their auditions they must wear “body fitting clothing”.

Now I know exactly who can be Durban’s new model scout, hey Obed. And he has an eye for the ladies. He’d be perfect!

Have a flash week, boet.